If my memory servers me right, I read on Law StackExchange it's possible to get a patent in the United States for as little as $80, which may or may not be a correct statement.
Unfortunately, I feel like a moron trying to speak legalese in that one sentence that took 10 minutes to write. How can an average Joe like me get a patent without ever consulting a patent attorney, and how common is it?
I just want a "defensive patent" to prevent companies from profiting off my idea. I don't even have a desire to profit off it, other than potential donations to charity through licensing. In fact, I'm not even sure it's patentable.