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If my memory servers me right, I read on Law StackExchange it's possible to get a patent in the United States for as little as $80, which may or may not be a correct statement.

Unfortunately, I feel like a moron trying to speak legalese in that one sentence that took 10 minutes to write. How can an average Joe like me get a patent without ever consulting a patent attorney, and how common is it?

I just want a "defensive patent" to prevent companies from profiting off my idea. I don't even have a desire to profit off it, other than potential donations to charity through licensing. In fact, I'm not even sure it's patentable.

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    You can talk to a patent lawyer who can tell you what happens if you write the patent as well as you can and then submit it. What you might achieve if you do a decent job is not getting a patent yourself, but getting a rejected patent, that discloses lots of prior art - and if someone else tries to get a patent, then you can show your prior art.
    – gnasher729
    Commented Mar 21, 2022 at 15:59
  • You can't patent an idea. You can patent a physical manifestation of that idea (a toaster that runs on hamster farts complete with collection mechanism and heat enhancer module), but if somebody else can do the same thing a different way, that's legal (hamster fart toaster with a different heat amplifier).
    – Ron Beyer
    Commented Mar 21, 2022 at 20:10
  • It can be done. It has been done. It is rare. Your odds of at least partial success without a licensed patent practitioner (often but not always a lawyer) are maybe 5-15 times lower (my gut estimate without careful statistical validation) than with a lawyer, unless you've previously been successful at it.
    – ohwilleke
    Commented Mar 21, 2022 at 21:21

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